The Asphalt and Cheezits Diet.

31 August 2010 
Just bloody great. Today the science e-zine says it takes four, count them teeny tiny four, weeks of increased eating and decreased exercise and I’ll have remaining fat mass problems for over two years. Which means I have to live to be How Old to get past the last $%%$^ binges? 
So it’s back to dieting. I’m off the water before meals diet. Too much sloshing as I walk, breathe, sleep. Next.
  The many small meals a day diet. Define small. Define many.
Okay, I also read drinking a little wine helps with the cognitive process. Which means if I break out the wine, I’ll make better food choices, like dark chocolate over lima beans. Make that a couple of glasses; I’ll eat the damn Brussels sprouts without barfing. 
Problem is wine makes me sleepy. I need to be awake to burn calories, right? I’m going to need exercise. And here’s a two-fer. Another article said walking got brain cells firing. I walk almost every day. 
I think both of my brain cells fired today.  I noticed, as I flailed my wrist-weighted arms and took extra long strides, that it’s not just grey squirrels who glue their lips to the middle of the road and suck at the asphalt. So do snails and various other non-fat critters. I suspect the road-kill snake made a Bad Snake decision looking for a warm bed last night. Probably not a dietary thing. 
So what are these skinny critters getting from the road? Is there a magic chemical in asphalt that should be the next miracle diet? Brain cells still firing. I’d rather do the wine and Brussels sprouts.
Now I’m depressed. I need my good old Comfort Food Diet, Cheezits. Due to the effort needed to keep family out of the Cheezits, this one is a good combo of calories and exercise. It takes practice to get just the right blank look when First Husband asks what happened to the box you just bought. Wait a beat and follow up with an energetic “Mice!” Then trot downstairs for ‘laundry’ before he asks since when mice eat the whole cardboard box. ( Extra exercise since you  have to come back eventually, the Cheezits trove being upstairs.)
There’s also perfecting the ‘keep ‘em talking’ tactic to divert the grocery cashier’s attention from the cartload of crackers. Get her to tell her life story while she scans all 32 boxes. Second best, and rarely believed, uses the ‘taste test’ story for the cart full. 
Extra calories burned are awarded if you can get the cart to the parking lot Before the cashier reaches the microphone to ask for ‘restock’ on the Cheezits. 
Scatter your stashes, and you’ll incorporate mental and physical exercise in remembering where you hid them, and digging them out.
Tip: Family-sized boxes are harder to hide when you skulk past family to “check on the coyotes outside.”  There is currently no data to prove diet lemonade absorbs any of the crackers’ calories, but test the theory. 
Of course, we’re out of Cheezits. I’ll just make a new list of hiding places while I wait for it to be tomorrow, grocery shopping day. Thank goodness we have a mini-van. 


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